even know of the existence of more than two or three of them； and when
I scarcely knew of anything outside our old walls。 There is something
melancholy in it； and I don't know why。 When we went to see the famous
leaning tower at Pisa； it was a bright sunny day； and it and the
buildings near it looked so old； and the earth and the sky looked so
young； and its shadow on the ground was so soft and retired！ I could not
at first think how beautiful it was； or how curious； but I thought； 'O
how many times when the shadow of the wall was falling on our room； and
when that weary tread of feet was going up and down the yard……O how many
times this place was just as quiet and lovely as it is to…day！' It quite
overpowered me。 My heart was so full that tears burst out of my eyes；
though I did what I could to restrain them。 And I have the same feeling
often……often。
Do you know that since the change in our fortunes； though I appear to
myself to have dreamed more than before； I have always dreamed of myself
as very young indeed！ I am not very old； you may say。 No； but that is
not what I mean。 I have always dreamed of myself as a child learning
to do needlework。 I have often dreamed of myself as back there； seeing
faces in the yard little known； and which I should have thought I had
quite forgotten； but； as often as not； I have been abroad here……in
Switzerland； or France； or Italy……somewhere where we have been……yet
always as that little child。 I have dreamed of going down to Mrs
General； with the patches on my clothes in which I can first remember
myself。 I have over and over again dreamed of taking my place at dinner
at Venice when we have had a large pany； in the mourning for my poor
mother which I wore when I was eight years old； and wore long after it
was threadbare and would mend no more。 It has been a great distress to
me to think how irreconcilable the pany would consider it with my
father's wealth； and how I should displease and disgrace him and Fanny
and Edward by so plainly disclosing what they wished to keep secret。 But
I have not grown out of the little child in thinking of it； and at the
self…same moment I have dreamed that I have sat with the heart…ache at
table； calculating the expenses of the dinner； and quite distracting
myself with thinking how they were ever to be made good。 I have never
dreamed of the change in our fortunes itself； I have never dreamed of
your ing back with me that memorable morning to break it； I have
never even dreamed of you。
Dear Mr Clennam； it is possible that I have thought of you……and
others……so much by day； that I have no thoughts left to wander round
you by night。 For I must now confess to you that I suffer from
home…sickness……that I long so ardently and earnestly for home； as
sometimes； when no one sees me； to pine for it。 I cannot bear to turn my
face further away from it。 My heart is a little lightened when we turn
towards it； even for a few miles； and with the knowledge that we are
soon to turn away again。 So dearly do I love the scene of my poverty and
your kindness。 O so dearly； O so dearly！
Heaven knows when your poor child will see England again。 We are all
fond of the life here （except me）； and there are no plans for our
return。 My dear father talks of a visit to London late in this next
spring； on some affairs connected with the property； but I have no hope
that he will bring me with him。
I have tried to get on a little better under Mrs General's instruction；
and I hope I am not quite so dull as I used to be。 I have begun to speak
and understand； almost easily； the hard languages I told you about。 I
did not remember； at the moment when I wrote last； that you knew them
both； but I remembered it afterwards； and it helped me on。 God bless
you； dear Mr Clennam。 Do not forget your ever grateful and affectionate
LITTLE DORRIT。
P。S。……Particularly remember that Minnie Gowan deserves the best
remembrance in which you can hold her。 You cannot think too generously
or too highly of her。 I forgot Mr Pancks last time。 Please； if you
should see him； give him your Little Dorrit's kind regard。 He was very
good to Little D。
CHAPTER 12。 In which a Great Patriotic Conference is holden
The famous name of Merdle became； every day； more famous in the land。
Nobody knew that the Merdle of such high renown had ever done any good
to any one； alive or dead； or to any earthly thing； nobody knew that he
had any capacity or utterance of any sort in him； which had ever thrown；
for any creature； the feeblest farthing…candle ray of light on any path
of duty or diversion； pain or pleasure； toil or rest； fact or fancy；
among the multiplicity of paths in the labyrinth trodden by the sons
of Adam； nobody had the smallest reason for supposing the clay of which
this object of worship was made； to be other than the monest clay；
with as clogged a wick smouldering inside of it as ever kept an image of
humanity from tumbling to pieces。 All people knew （or thought they knew）
that he had made himself immensely rich； and； for that reason alone；
prostrated themselves before him； more degradedly and less excusably
than the darkest savage creeps out of his hole in the ground to
propitiate； in some log or reptile； the Deity of his benighted soul。
Nay； the high priests of this worship had the man before them as
a protest against their meanness。 The multitude worshipped on
trust……though always distinctly knowing why……but the officiators at the
altar had the man habitually in their view。 They sat at his feasts； and
he sat at theirs。 There was a spectre always attendant on him； saying to
these high priests； 'Are such the signs you trust； and love to honour；
this head； these eyes； this mode of speech； the tone and manner of this
man？ You are the levers of the Circumlocution Office； and the rulers of
men。 When half…a…dozen of you fall out by the ears； it seems that mother
earth can give birth to no other rulers。 Does your qualification lie in
the superior knowledge of men which accepts； courts； and puffs this man？
Or； if you are petent to judge aright the signs I never fail to
show you when he appears among you； is your superior honesty your
qualification？' Two rather ugly questions these； always going about
town with Mr Merdle； and there was a tacit agreement that they must be
stifled。 In Mrs Merdle's absence abroad； Mr Merdle still kept the great
house open for the passage through it of a stream Of visitors。 A few of
these took affable possession of the establishment。 Three or four ladies
of distinction and liveliness used to say to one another； 'Let us dine
at our dear Merdle's next Thursday。 Whom shall we have？' Our dear Merdle
would then receive his instructions； and would sit heavily among
the pany at table and wander lumpishly about his drawing…rooms
afterwards； only remarkable for appearing to have nothing to do with the
entertainment beyond being in its way。
The Chief Butler； the Avenging Spirit of this great man's life； relaxed
nothing of his severity。 He looked on at these dinners when the bosom
was not there； as he looked on at other dinners when the bosom was
there； and his eye was a basilisk to Mr Merdl