The Rainbow-虹(英文版)- 第7部分

His　mind　was　one　big　excitement。　The　girl　and　the　foreigner：
he　knew　neither　of　their　names。　Yet　they　had　set　fire　to　the
homestead　of　his　nature；　and　he　would　be　burned　out　of　cover。　Of
the　two　experiences；　perhaps　the　meeting　with　the　foreigner　was
the　more　significant。　But　the　girl……he　had　not　settled
about　the　girl。

He　did　not　know。　He　had　to　leave　it　there；　as　it　was。　He
could　not　sum　up　his　experiences。

The　result　of　these　encounters　was；　that　he　dreamed　day　and
night；　absorbedly；　of　a　voluptuous　woman　and　of　the　meeting　with
a　small；　withered　foreigner　of　ancient　breeding。　No　sooner　was
his　mind　free；　no　sooner　had　he　left　his　own　panions；　than　he
began　to　imagine　an　intimacy　with　fine…textured；　subtle…mannered
people　such　as　the　foreigner　at　Matlock；　and　amidst　this　subtle
intimacy　was　always　the　satisfaction　of　a　voluptuous　woman。

He　went　about　absorbed　in　the　interest　and　the　actuality　of
this　dream。　His　eyes　glowed；　he　walked　with　his　head　up；　full　of
the　exquisite　pleasure　of　aristocratic　subtlety　and　grace；
tormented　with　the　desire　for　the　girl。

Then　gradually　the　glow　began　to　fade；　and　the　cold　material
of　his　customary　life　to　show　through。　He　resented　it。　Was　he
cheated　in　his　illusion？　He　balked　the　mean　enclosure　of
reality；　stood　stubbornly　like　a　bull　at　a　gate；　refusing　to
re…enter　the　well…known　round　of　his　own　life。

He　drank　more　than　usual　to　keep　up　the　glow。　But　it　faded
more　and　more　for　all　that。　He　set　his　teeth　at　the　monplace；
to　which　he　would　not　submit。　It　resolved　itself　starkly　before
him；　for　all　that。

He　wanted　to　marry；　to　get　settled　somehow；　to　get　out　of　the
quandary　he　found　himself　in。　But　how？　He　felt　unable　to　move
his　limbs。　He　had　seen　a　little　creature　caught　in　bird…lime；
and　the　sight　was　a　nightmare　to　him。　He　began　to　feel　mad　with
the　rage　of　impotency。

He　wanted　something　to　get　hold　of；　to　pull　himself　out。　But
there　was　nothing。　Steadfastly　he　looked　at　the　young　women；　to
find　a　one　he　could　marry。　But　not　one　of　them　did　he　want。　And
he　knew　that　the　idea　of　a　life　among　such　people　as　the
foreigner　was　ridiculous。

Yet　he　dreamed　of　it；　and　stuck　to　his　dreams；　and　would　not
have　the　reality　of　Cossethay　and　Ilkeston。　There　he　sat
stubbornly　in　his　corner　at　the　〃Red　Lion〃；　smoking　and　musing
and　occasionally　lifting　his　beer…pot；　and　saying　nothing；　for
all　the　world　like　a　gorping　farm…labourer；　as　he　said
himself。

Then　a　fever　of　restless　anger　came　upon　him。　He　wanted　to　go
away……right　away。　He　dreamed　of　foreign　parts。　But　somehow
he　had　no　contact　with　them。　And　it　was　a　very　strong　root　which
held　him　to　the　Marsh；　to　his　own　house　and　land。

Then　Effie　got　married；　and　he　was　left　in　the　house　with
only　Tilly；　the　cross…eyed　woman…servant　who　had　been　with　them
for　fifteen　years。　He　felt　things　ing　to　a　close。　All　the
time；　he　had　held　himself　stubbornly　resistant　to　the　action　of
the　monplace　unreality　which　wanted　to　absorb　him。　But　now　he
had　to　do　something。

He　was　by　nature　temperate。　Being　sensitive　and　emotional；
his　nausea　prevented　him　from　drinking　too　much。

But；　in　futile　anger；　with　the　greatest　of　determination　and
apparent　good　humour；　he　began　to　drink　in　order　to　get　drunk。
〃Damn　it；〃　he　said　to　himself；　〃you　must　have　it　one　road　or
another……you　can't　hitch　your　horse　to　the　shadow　of　a
gate…post……if　you've　got　legs　you've　got　to　rise　off　your
backside　some　time　or　other。〃

So　he　rose　and　went　down　to　Ilkeston；　rather　awkwardly　took
his　place　among　a　gang　of　young　bloods；　stood　drinks　to　the
pany；　and　discovered　he　could　carry　it　off　quite　well。　He　had
an　idea　that　everybody　in　the　room　was　a　man　after　his　own
heart；　that　everything　was　glorious；　everything　was　perfect。
When　somebody　in　alarm　told　him　his　coat　pocket　was　on　fire；　he
could　only　beam　from　a　red；　blissful　face　and　say
〃Iss…all…ri…ight……iss…al'…ri…ight……it's　a'
right……let　it　be；　let　it　be〃　and　he　laughed
with　pleasure；　and　was　rather　indignant　that　the　others　should
think　it　unnatural　for　his　coat　pocket　to　burn：……it　was　the
happiest　and　most　natural　thing　in　the　world……what？

He　went　home　talking　to　himself　and　to　the　moon；　that　was
very　high　and　small；　stumbling　at　the　flashes　of　moonlight　from
the　puddles　at　his　feet；　wondering　What　the　Hanover！　then
laughing　confidently　to　the　moon；　assuring　her　this　was　first
class；　this　was。

In　the　morning　he　woke　up　and　thought　about　it；　and　for　the
first　time　in　his　life；　knew　what　it　was　to　feel　really　acutely
irritable；　in　a　misery　of　real　bad　temper。　After　bawling　and
snarling　at　Tilly；　he　took　himself　off　for　very　shame；　to　be
alone。　And　looking　at　the　ashen　fields　and　the　putty　roads；　he
wondered　what　in　the　name　of　Hell　he　could　do　to　get　out　of　this
prickly　sense　of　disgust　and　physical　repulsion。　And　he　knew
that　this　was　the　result　of　his　glorious　evening。

And　his　stomach　did　not　want　any　more　brandy。　He　went
doggedly　across　the　fields　with　his　terrier；　and　looked　at
everything　with　a　jaundiced　eye。

The　next　evening　found　him　back　again　in　his　place　at　the
〃Red　Lion〃；　moderate　and　decent。　There　he　sat　and　stubbornly
waited　for　what　would　happen　next。

Did　he；　or　did　he　not　believe　that　he　belonged　to　this　world
of　Cossethay　and　Ilkeston？　There　was　nothing　in　it　he　wanted。
Yet　could　he　ever　get　out　of　it？　Was　there　anything　in　himself
that　would　carry　him　out　of　it？　Or　was　he　a　dunderheaded　baby；
not　man　enough　to　be　like　the　other　young　fellows　who　drank　a
good　deal　and　wenched　a　little　without　any　question；　and　were
satisfied。

He　went　on　stubbornly　for　a　time。　Then　the　strain　became　too
great　for　him。　A　hot；　accumulated　consciousness　was　always　awake
in　his　chest；　his　wrists　felt　sind
became　full　of　lustful　images；　his　eyes　seemed　blood…flushed。　He
fought　with　himself　furiously；　to　remain　normal。　He　did　not　seek
any　woman。　He　just　went　on　as　if　he　were　normal。　Till　he　must
either　take　some　action　or　beat　his　head　against　the　wall。

Then　he　went　deliberately　to　Ilkeston；　in　silence；　intent　and
beaten。　He　drank　to　get　drunk。　He　gulped　down　the　brandy；　and
more　brandy；　till　his　face　became　pale；　his　eyes　burning。　And
still　he　could　not　get　free。　He　went　to　sleep　in　drunken
unconsciousness；　woke　up　at　four　o'clock　in　the　morning　and
continued　drinking。　He　would　get　free。　Gradually　the
tension　in　him　began　to　relax。　He　began　to　feel　happy。　His
riveted　silence　was　unfastened；　he　began　to　talk　and　babble。　He
was　happy　and　at　one　with　all　the　world；　he　was　united　with　all
flesh　in　a　hot　blood…relationship。　So；　after　three　days　of
incessant　brandy…drinking；　he　had　burned　out　the　youth　from　his
blood；　he　had　achieved　this　kindled　state　of　oneness　with　all
the　world；　which　is　the　end　of　youth's　most　passionate　desire。
But　he　had　achieved　his　satisfaction　by　obliterating　his　own
individuality；　that　which　it　depended　on　his　manhood　to　preserve
and　develop。

So　he　became　a　bout…drinker；　having　at　intervals　these　bouts
of　three　or　four　days　of　brandy…drinking；　when　he　was　drunk　for
the　whole　time。　He　did　not　think　about　it。　A　deep　resentment
burned　in　him。　He　kept　aloof　from　any　women；