The Rainbow-虹(英文版)- 第5部分

The　thing　was　something　of　a　shock　to　him。　In　the　close
intimacy　of　the　farm　kitchen；　the　woman　occupied　the　supreme
position。　The　men　deferred　to　her　in　the　house；　on　all　household
points；　on　all　points　of　morality　and　behaviour。　The　woman　was
the　symbol　for　that　further　life　which　prised　religion　and
love　and　morality。　The　men　placed　in　her　hands　their　own
conscience；　they　said　to　her　〃Be　my　conscience…keeper；　be　the
angel　at　the　doorway　guarding　my　outgoing　and　my　ining。〃　And
the　woman　fulfilled　her　trust；　the　men　rested　implicitly　in　her；
receiving　her　praise　or　her　blame　with　pleasure　or　with　anger；
rebelling　and　storming；　but　never　for　a　moment　really　escaping
in　their　own　souls　from　her　prerogative。　They　depended　on　her
for　their　stability。　Without　her；　they　would　have　felt　like
straws　in　the　wind；　to　be　blown　hither　and　thither　at　random。
She　was　the　anchor　and　the　security；　she　was　the　restraining
hand　of　God；　at　times　highly　to　be　execrated。

Now　when　Tom　Brangwen；　at　nineteen；　a　youth　fresh　like　a
plant；　rooted　in　his　mother　and　his　sister；　found　that　he　had
lain　with　a　prostitute　woman　in　a　mon　public　house；　he　was
very　much　startled。　For　him　there　was　until　that　time　only　one
kind　of　woman……his　mother　and　sister。

But　now？　He　did　not　know　what　to　feel。　There　was　a　slight
wonder；　a　pang　of　anger；　of　disappointment；　a　first　taste　of　ash
and　of　cold　fear　lest　this　was　all　that　would　happen；　lest　his
relations　with　woman　were　going　to　be　no　more　than　this
nothingness；　there　was　a　slight　sense　of　shame　before　the
prostitute；　fear　that　she　would　despise　him　for　his
inefficiency；　there　was　a　cold　distaste　for　her；　and　a　fear　of
her；　there　was　a　moment　of　paralyzed　horror　when　he　felt　he
might　have　taken　a　disease　from　her；　and　upon　all　this　startled
tumult　of　emotion；　was　laid　the　steadying　hand　of　mon　sense；
which　said　it　did　not　matter　very　much；　so　long　as　he　had　no
disease。　He　soon　recovered　balance；　and　really　it　did　not　matter
so　very　much。

But　it　had　shocked　him；　and　put　a　mistrust　into　his　heart；
and　emphasized　his　fear　of　what　was　within　himself。　He　was；
however；　in　a　few　days　going　about　again　in　his　own　careless；
happy…go…lucky　fashion；　his　blue　eyes　just　as　clear　and　honest
as　ever；　his　face　just　as　fresh；　his　appetite　just　as　keen。

Or　apparently　so。　He　had；　in　fact；　lost　some　of　his　buoyant
confidence；　and　doubt　hindered　his　outgoing。

For　some　time　after　this；　he　ore　conscious　when
he　drank；　more　backward　from　panionship。　The　disillusion　of
his　first　carnal　contact　with　woman；　strengthened　by　his　innate
desire　to　find　in　a　woman　the　embodiment　of　all　his
inarticulate；　powerful　religious　impulses；　put　a　bit　in　his
mouth。　He　had　something　to　lose　which　he　was　afraid　of　losing；
which　he　was　not　sure　even　of　possessing。　This　first　affair　did
not　matter　much：　but　the　business　of　love　was；　at　the　bottom　of
his　soul；　the　most　serious　and　terrifying　of　all　to　him。

He　was　tormented　now　with　sex　desire；　his　imagination
reverted　always　to　lustful　scenes。　But　what　really　prevented　his
returning　to　a　loose　woman；　over　and　above　the　natural
squeamishness；　was　the　recollection　of　the　paucity　of　the　last
experience。　It　had　been　so　nothing；　so　dribbling　and　functional；
that　he　was　ashamed　to　expose　himself　to　the　risk　of　a
repetition　of　it。

He　made　a　strong；　instinctive　fight　to　retain　his　native
cheerfulness　unimpaired。　He　had　naturally　a　plentiful　stream　of
life　and　humour；　a　sense　of　sufficiency　and　exuberance；　giving
ease。　But　now　it　tended　to　cause　tension。　A　strained　light　came
into　his　eyes；　he　had　a　slight　knitting　of　the　brows。　His
boisterous　humour　gave　place　to　lowering　silences；　and　days
passed　by　in　a　sort　of　suspense。

He　did　not　know　there　was　any　difference　in　him；　exactly；　for
the　most　part　he　was　filled　with　slow　anger　and　resentment。　But
he　knew　he　was　always　thinking　of　women；　or　a　woman；　day　in；　day
out；　and　that　infuriated　him。　He　could　not　get　free：　and　he　was
ashamed。　He　had　one　or　two　sweethearts；　starting　with　them　in
the　hope　of　speedy　development。　But　when　he　had　a　nice　girl；　he
found　that　he　was　incapable　of　pushing　the　desired　development。
The　very　presence　of　the　girl　beside　him　made　it　impossible。　He
could　not　think　of　her　like　that；　he　could　not　think　of　her
actual　nakedness。　She　was　a　girl　and　he　liked　her；　and　dreaded
violently　even　the　thought　of　uncovering　her。　He　knew　that；　in
these　last　issues　of　nakedness；　he　did　not　exist　to　her　nor　she
to　him。　Again；　if　he　had　a　loose　girl；　and　things　began　to
develop；　she　offended　him　so　deeply　all　the　time；　that　he　never
knew　whether　he　was　going　to　get　away　from　her　as　quickly　as
possible；　or　whether　he　were　going　to　take　her　out　of　inflamed
necessity。　Again　he　learnt　his　lesson：　if　he　took　her　it　was　a
paucity　which　he　was　forced　to　despise。　He　did　not　despise
himself　nor　the　girl。　But　he　despised　the　net　result　in　him　of
the　experience……he　despised　it　deeply　and　bitterly。

Then；　when　he　was　twenty…three；　his　mother　died；　and　he　was
left　at　home　with　Effie。　His　mother's　death　was　another　blow　out
of　the　dark。　He　could　not　understand　it；　he　knew　it　was　no　good
his　trying。　One　had　to　submit　to　these　unforeseen　blows　that
e　unawares　and　leave　a　bruise　that　remains　and　hurts　whenever
it　is　touched。　He　began　to　be　afraid　of　all　that　which　was　up
against　him。　He　had　loved　his　mother。

After　this；　Effie　and　he　quarrelled　fiercely。　They　meant　a
very　great　deal　to　each　other；　but　they　were　both　under　a
strange；　unnatural　tension。　He　stayed　out　of　the　house　as　much
as　possible。　He　got　a　special　corner　for　himself　at　the　〃Red
Lion〃　at　Cossethay；　and　became　a　usual　figure　by　the　fire；　a
fresh；　fair　young　fellow　with　heavy　limbs　and　head　held　back；
mostly　silent；　though　alert　and　attentive；　very　hearty　in　his
greeting　of　everybody　he　knew；　shy　of　strangers。　He　teased　all
the　women；　who　liked　him　extremely；　and　he　was　very　attentive　to
the　talk　of　the　men；　very　respectful。

To　drink　made　him　quickly　flush　very　red　in　the　face；　and
brought　out　the　look　of　self…consciousness　and　unsureness；
almost　bewilderment；　in　his　blue　eyes。　When　he　came　home　in　this
state　of　tipsy　confusion　his　sister　hated　him　and　abused　him；
and　he　went　off　his　head；　like　a　mad　bull　with　rage。

He　had　still　another　turn　with　a　light…o'…love。　One
Whitsuntide　he　went　a　jaunt　with　two　other　young　fellows；　on
horseback；　to　Matlock　and　thence　to　Bakewell。　Matlock　was　at
that　time　just　being　a　famous　beauty…spot；　visited　from
Manchester　and　from　the　Staffordshire　towns。　In　the　hotel　where
the　young　men　took　lunch；　were　two　girls；　and　the　parties　struck
up　a　friendship。

The　Miss　who　made　up　to　Tom　Brangwen；　then　twenty…four　years
old；　was　a　handsome；　reckless　girl　neglected　for　an　afternoon　by
the　man　who　had　brought　her　out。　She　saw　Brangwen　and　liked　him；
as　all　women　did；　for　his　warmth　and　his　generous　nature；　and
for　the　innate　delicacy　in　him。　But　she　saw　he　was　one　who　would
have　to　be　brought　to　the　scratch。　However；　she　was　roused　and
unsatisfied　and　made　mischievous；　so　she　dared　anything。　It
would　be　an　easy　interlude；　restoring　her　pride。

She　was